Neon Illusions

The other day a friend of mine came over to my apartment to hang out and catch up. Typical girls, we sat on the floor cutting magazines in hopes of finding inspiration for future projects. We talk about everything, from hair to nails, books and magazines, and just life in general. I love to hear how she's doing in her romantic relationship because the beginning of the year was rough for her. Her positivity and strength has always been inspiring to me. So being around her, I always try to absorb as much of that amazing energy as possible. 

Then, we begin to talk about my love life (or lack there of) and work. It feels like my life and work is always jumbled up into one. There is no distinction. My office is 10 feet away from my bedroom. I live, breathe and sleep my work. And that's okay with me. My middle name should be "Furor".  

She complimented me on my recent work and asked me how it was to live and work from home, while also trying to get out of the house and live life and move on from a failed relationship.

And all I could think is... 

I have no idea how I've gotten through these last 3 months by myself. My family lives out of state. My roommate is rarely home. Everyone has their own lives. And me. I have to work at home. How do I unwind or disassociate myself from my past life to the new one I'm trying to create?

Then, she mentioned a very interesting word: solitude. And I agreed. I am in pure solitude for the majority of the day (now less, since I got an intern), but yes, most of my day is made up of me, myself and I. She brought to my attention something that I had read about recently, but was never able to fully relate to it. 

It's important to be independent and strong in all of the relationships you have in your life. Recently, a long, emotionally dependent relationship of mine came to an end. Physical too, because he was my best friend as well, and I spent a lot of time with him. How do you go from being surrounded by lots of friends, a boyfriend and a comfort zone - to almost nothing. Yes, family and friends were there, but I felt like I was being kicked out of a party. A really fun Friday night party. 

I tried for a while to get back into the party until I realized that wasn't what I really wanted or most importantly, what was best for me. I knew I could aspire for more; I just didn't know how. 

Being alone can be tough. Some people love it. I enjoy it when I want it. The moment I least wanted to be alone - a Saturday night, a special event or triumph, movie nights - I had no choice but to be alone. It burned at the moment. And it still does. But as time passes, I learned to cope with this solitude and find strength in it. I write out my thoughts and dreams, work goals - hell, even all the mistakes I've made in the past - so history doesn't repeat itself. 

So I guess all the doctor order was some lifting notebook writing, lots of Vitamin C and 100 mg of solitude to cure the broken heart.

(tt)